Did I hold my kid back (An interlude)
So, of course he made the swim team. Not the meet once a week, 9 months out of the year, swim team we have been doing off and on for the past 4 years. No. He made the, you have practice 5 days a week, 2.5 hours a day Swim Team. And I’m reading through this email like, “What in the actual HELL!?!?!?! This says for kids 9 and older! 9?!?!? There are 9 year olds that are doing this PLUS homework?!?!?” And for my single parents who have sole custody and you don't have family that lives nearby. How Sway? How are you able to do it? I’m not PLAYING when I say it takes a village. Because BAY-BEE I’m tired reading through the requirements and we ain't even started yet.
Now I feel like a failure. Is this what he should have been doing the past 4 years when numerous instructors suggested swim team? If he had started this 4 years ago, where would he be today? Would we be not just looking at a full scholarship to college, but could we be looking at State Championships, Olympic trials?!? Have I held my kid back?
I know that there was a time when I couldn't do shit. We didn't have money nor time. But in recent years, we’ve had a little bit more money to work with, but time wasn’t on the menu. In my best Carrier from Sex in the City voice… Was there a moment where I could have made more time?
Shit, I don’t know! I honestly don’t feel like I could have. But that isn’t making me feel any less guilty that I may have held my child back from being able to compete in the 2024 Olympic trials. I can't stress this enough. IT TAKES A MUTHA FUCKIN VILLAGE!!!!
I’m so thankful to the village I had when we lived in the boroughs. That strategic pass off y’all helped us do for years?!?! Does not go unthanked DAILY. But once we moved, our village was too far away. So it became, he had to be with me ALL. THE. TIME. Until I was given a warning of potentially being down a job or two. So then it became a game of which high school college aged former student did I know that lived within public transportation access that could watch him? (Thank you Minah!)
This is not a pity party. This is a real hard look at ‘Have I held him back? Could I have made a way?’ and if I couldn’t, then why am I beating myself up about it? Why is it innate that we as parents feel we aren’t doing enough, nor doing it right? Oh, because every ad tells you a slew of contradictory lies that make you believe that you need to be the perfect parent while teaching your child to be the perfect kid, while excelling and getting promotions at your job, while working your side hustle to have extra money for family vacations, while volunteering any free time left to be a outstanding member of society. DUDE!?!?
Now I don't subscribe to that way of thinking. I’ve always gone against the grain. But the guilt? Whew! It will catch you right in the middle of your “I’m a Unicorn hear me roar” speech.
So I use this mindful tool to help me refocus. I think of all the times I was responsible, I was the reason for his smile, laughter, enjoying himself, trying new things, growth, fun excursions, etc. In my case, there have been a lot of these moments in his 16 years so far. I hope to continue. I pray often that I can continue. But I choose to focus solely on those moments. I may even ask him if he remembers one of them. And that refocus, brings me back to reality. Brings me back to the fact that I have been doing the best that I could with what I had. And what I had changed daily. And that is all that we can do. Give our best. And know that our best will change day to day. But as long as you keep putting your best foot forward, you keep moving forward. Grant yourself some grace. And forgive yourself for allowing an unrealistic idea of what you should be, make you feel unworthy of the grace and patience parenting requires. This shit is hard. FULL STOP!