How we got here (pt 3)

So I’m sure you all are wondering, “why all the Strip club stories, I thought she was telling us how she became a single mom?” Well I needed to paint a picture. Hang the backdrop, load in the set, program lighting cues and organize costume changes. It needed to be clear how it started from a dark place. I was so lost in my own shit that I couldn't see the light. Actually I didn't want to see the light. My insides had become cold and numb. I didn't want to be a part of my life anymore. I wanted to be someone else. Someone who didn't fight so hard to live in the light. I wanted to live in the dark. So I lived the darkest corner I could create. At first I was leading a double life. No one knew about the dark corner. By day, I was a wild curly hair fashion forward dresser,  attending honoring events, walking through Barnes & Noble looking for new read, organizing peoples home and offices, head cashier at trendy restaurant/bar, teaching youth dance workshops, very Carrie Bradshaw. By night, I was a throw a jet-black-bone-straight wig on, tomboy on the way to the club dressing, tight dress accentuating nipple rings at work wearing, shit talking, pole trick learning, lap dance giving, pack of cigarettes smoking, bottomless glass drinking, random pill popping, high half the night, hanging out til 9am, Diamond from Players Club character. The thrill of a double life was exciting. It was my own little secret. And it wasn’t the money. I wasn’t willing to do the extra stuff. I wasnt willing to have sex in the Champagne Room. I wasn’t willing to let men play with my “Goodies Box.” I was not selling my body. Not to knock anybody doing so. It's just not my thing. So I knew there was a problem when my “by night” life no longer expired at 9am. My dark corner wig wearing was expiring later and later every day. I was telling certain friends what I was doing at night, inviting them to come by the club. No one person knew the whole story or saw the whole picture. If so, I probably would have been admitted. I was doing stuff like I was the lead character’s  back story in a Law & Order episode. I was spending the night at houses of strippers I’d only known for a week, getting a ride home from a cute guy I met at the club, letting a pimp take me shopping for new clothes (and a car if I agreed to be his wife), briefly dating a blue eyed drunk that would show up to my club ready to fight anyone trying to touch me, but who was also trying to get me to Puerto Rico to meet his Grandma. There are so many more stories to tell… the Milkman, situations in lap dance area, the sister tag team of Dream and Secret, Layla who could make a straight woman rethink her sexuality and many many many more. But I’ll save those for the book. What I’m getting at is that I was not myself. Some saw it and did what they could or what they thought would help. But it didn’t. You know that saying… Sometimes you have to cannon ball in and almost die from the impact to realize you’ve been trying to swim in Rock Bottom Lake. Ok, maybe I just made that up. But it fits. Not even Mama D could pull me out of this ditch. I was an incident short of a needed intervention. In that darkness is where I met Sperm Donor. His cousin Dante was a regular at the club. Dante never wanted a lap dance, meaning he never wanted to spend money. He just wanted to talk, get drunk, shoot the shit, and be surrounded by half naked woman and by them drinks all night. One night he brought a group with him. In normal fashion all the women made their way over to see if any men were willing to part with a good amount of their money that night. In the process of talking it up and feeling out the crowd, Sperm Donor and I struck up a conversation about living in LA. He was clearly not interested in the 7 half naked women strutting around their table. He was more interested in the game on the big screen, but the LA conversation was cute. After I made my rounds at the club and was taking a break from grinding on patrons laps, I did my usual and made my way back to Dante's table. Free drinks on my break! Sperm Donor and I conversed for like 30 mins and realized we were kind of feeling each other. We exchanged numbers. While he seemed nice, I still was holding out for a date with Kryptonite, a guy who I was off and on again with for years. His name says it all, I thought we were meant to be soul mates but he was tethered to a life that wasn’t what love looked like for me. We had a paintball date that I thought that would be the start of our rekindling. I’d hope he’d remember how amazing our chemistry was, but no dice. So Sperm Donor it was. It was something to do to distract me from the downward spiral my life was taking. But let me be very clear... When Divine wants you to do something, everything you do that goes AGAINST that, will crumble into nothing. Divine’s power I have witnessed first hand.  Take head. When things seem to be going uncontrollably wrong, I’m talking about, every aspect of your life is shattering to the floor like fine china at a Greek wedding. It is a sign from Divine that something is not right. Something is not in order with you and the Universe. And you need to fix it ASAP! It took me 8 months to finally realize it. And I kid you NOT the second I walked away from the darkness that I wanted so badly to live in, EVERYTHING GOT BETTER. Things still needed adjusting, but everything was doable. And easily doable. Things were looking up. I was seeing the light at the end of this tunnel and it was getting brighter every day. And to help start me off, the first audition I went to after I quit the Strip Club, I booked! I got a cruise ship job. I could leave it all behind and start fresh. And then…

 2 weeks later…

I found out I was pregnant. Crazy thing was I knew in my heart of hearts that at this stage in my life if I were to get pregnant I would automatically (as a good friend of mine put it) Boooop! Abort! But something was telling me “ maybe you should keep it” and THAT I didn't expect. Out of no where, I became terrified of having an abortion. What if they messed up my insides and I could never have children? Suddenly it was a lot less scarier to try to have a baby and raise it, than having an abortion. But then there was that perfect job. I can’t have a baby. Not right now. And that was it! I knew that I couldn't have a baby because this job was going to get me back on track. So I called the clinic to make an appt. My plan was … Get an abortion, quit the Pottery Barn, secretly go back to the darkness for just 3 weeks make a little money, get all my affairs in order, pack up my apartment and start the new job that would take me out to sea and I could start fresh. Yes!! 

Remember when I said Divine will shatter everything that is not in accordance with the Universe and you? Well I had done 2 out of 5 and the day after I quit Pottery Barn and had packed half of my apartment, my perfect new job vanished into thin air. I called in, as directed, to get the details of my contract and start location. The Director said if we didn't receive our official email yet, as their offices are under staffed around the holiday slowing things a bit, to call her direct line and she would give us the info over the phone so we could plan accordingly. Well when I phoned in, she had no idea who I was. I gave her my audition number, location and date of  the audition. I even talked her through the audition, the combo, our hour long talk afterwards. And she still stood firm, she didn't know who I was or how I got her number. They had no record of me auditioning for them on that day. Then I remembered they had recorded the audition. SHe said she would go watch the video and call me back. 2 days later I had to call her again and she was like, “ Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I did watch the video, I didn't see your number. There’s no one that looks like you on the video. But I’m glad you are interested in our company. We have auditions coming up in April, you should come!” As I hung up the phone, stunned face and all, I looked up and thought, “Are you SERIOUS?!?! Are you trying to tell me something?!?” I mean the MAIN reason I was going to “Boooop! Abort!” was because of this amazing job I THOUGHT I had. I sat there for a second… I mean maybe I cou- … Noooo, that's just stu-... But if I pla-...What the Fu- I picked up the phone and called the clinic to confirm my appointment.