How we got here (pt 5)

As we sat in the mental ward and I watched all the people around LITERALLY lose their minds, I thought… Was he serious?!?!?

This was our second time at the Veterans hospital. I had talked him into registering there since he was a member of the military that had done White House security after 9/11 and had recently (2 months before we met) had a benign brain tumor removed. The mentality that he had inherited was,  “Just collect your SSI. There’s no need to work. Just show them you had surgery and they will send you your SSI checks. You could be getting that check and working a job under the table. They’ll never know.” But the problem was, they WOULD know. He was fine. His doctor’s records showed that he could walk, run, lift, and sprint if you needed him to. Needless to say he was denied his SSI. 

Back to the psych ward.

I’d been telling him for months that he needed to register to get his benefits, then he could go for his MANDATORY monthly tumor removal checkups that he hadn’t been to YET since the surgery. He finally agreed. 1st visit was mainly paperwork. It went well, except for the whole  “Your new wife won’t be covered while you are still married to your 1st wife.”--I’m sorry Sir. But, you said wife TWICE... aaaannnnnnd I don’t even know where to begin.-- I was about 4 month pregnant at the 1st appointment.  At this point I don’t even think we were together anymore. I told him I couldn’t be his mother anymore. I was looking and applying to jobs for him because he said he needed the help. Trying to be supportive. I was giving him pep talk after pep talk and still there was no motivation to do anything on his end. Nothing. “The MAN is trying to hold me down,” was his catch phrase. The answer to everything that might require effort. It could be as simple as they needed him to bring in more paperwork, showing his academic credentials, or fill out another form to be considered for the job and he would start up with “the man.” I just didn’t have the energy to save anyone anymore. I WAS CREATING A LIFE INSIDE OF ME! I barely had the energy to brush my damn teeth, let alone take part in all the games he was starting to play to try to get me to be with him again. 

Yes. That probably does sound mean. But he knew. I made it VERY clear when we started talking that I was depressed and in a very dark place in my life and I wasn’t looking for anything serious. But he kept pushing and pushing for it until I finally gave in. After a while I figured, I wasn’t doing anything else. I didn’t have any other suitors interested so… Why not? After awhile, his pushing and my delight in being swallowed by the darkness became one and the same. I couldn’t tell what was real and what was part of the fantasy I had created in my head.  I guess this could be forever. (Kanye shrug) Why not? At the time he seemed to have it somewhat together.  His backstory was a little heartbreaking and I thought I could rescue him from it all. And ex wife that couldnt carry his child because of her multiple indescrestions and abortions, he’d moved back home after making a life on the west coast to help care for his mother, contribute his whole paycheck to alleviate monetary stress on his family and help a sibling finish college. 

I will tell you this.

Some people you will meet, will be dressed in their Sunday’s Best. Before you make plans to be involved, attached or committed, wait to see what their Monday looks likes, maybe even their Wednesday. It will tell you a different story. And unless you own a white horse and a suit of shiny armor? Stop trying to save other people, and save yourself. 

BACK TO THE PSYCH WARD

So on our 2nd visit, he was supposed to do a mental health check and then a physical. The nurse started to ask the standard questions asked to any military personnel after they served. But then…

Nurse: Do you have any suicidal thoughts?

Him: Yes

Me: 0_o

Nurse: Do you have any homicidal thoughts?

Him: Yes

Me: 0_o

After the she could have asked him if he was a Blue Smurf and I wouldn’t have known. I was shocked! What do you mean you have HOMICIDAL thoughts?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?! Were you going to tell me at some point? With those 2 ‘yes’ he was sent to the psych ward to be evaluated. As we sat there watching people literally lose their minds, I asked in all seriousness, “What is going on? Does this feel like the unexplainable anger I read about in your paperwork, that would be a side effect from the brain tumor removal? Or is this something you CAN explain?” He just sat in silence. Looking straight forward. Not even an acknowledgement that I was talking to him. So I asked the next obvious question, “Are you mad because we are not together?” He turns and looks at me. 

BINGO! We have a winner! 

And before I could even say anything he said, “Actually I’m mad at myself because you told me you didn’t want anything serious and I pushed it. And now…” I placed his hand on my then 5 months pregnant belly and said, “it’s no longer about us and what we want. It’s about this, in here. All that matters is that we take care of this.” I think that briefly brought him back to reality and out of debbie-downer-ville. And if it had been in a normal situation I would have felt bad for him. But this would be the 3rd and LAST time I had to gently stroke his ego. I tried to be the bigger person. He was doing things out of spite. Trying to get a reaction out of me. This, I found out later, was his M.O. His own sister told me how mad she was at him because this is what he always does. And let me tell you there were some elaborate tales! Tales that included 3rd party participants, 4am calls to central booking and bringing a knife to a gun show in a fake standoff.  That’s how/when I lost respect for him. It was like being in junior high all over again. Why do you feel it’s okay for you and your cousin to call me at 2am, when you know that I’ve been having bad morning sickness and sleeping is the only thing that is helping. And he’s not calling to say hi and see how I’m feeling. No, he’s calling to say they got into a fight at a bar and he will probably be going to jail for the rest of his life because he thinks he may have killed someone. So tell his child he loves them.

I feel like I say this a lot, but … are you SERIOUS!?!?!?

 Wow, really?!?!

The two of them were going for an Oscar Award for the Most Dramatic Fictional Characters in a Leading Role. 

I mean, did he really just tell me that, HE’D RATHER GO TO JAIL THAN TO DEAL WITH THIS WHOLE LOVE BULLSHIT?!?!?!? I can’t even.