We’re here

We finally had our own place. Just me and the Dude. The day after I got the keys, I packed up my clothes and whatever baby stuff I could fit into a cab and we moved in. I had no furniture. It was all in storage… again. After the year of trying with my ex, we called it quits and since the lease was up it was perfect timing to move out. Because of my credit I was having a hard time finding a place. She found something almost immediately. She suggested if I didn’t find a place before we had to be out, I could stay with her til I did. So I moved my stuff into storage and couch surfed with her. In theory, it would only last a few days. But it was more like a few weeks. And it made things even worse.  So once the keys were in hand, we were on to the next. I sat and slept on the hardwood floor of our new place. It sucked, it was painful and depressing but I couldn’t stand another minute arguing in circles about the same shit! Now we had our own place, free of drama, free of noise, free of opinions. It was just the 2 of us. Once I had enough money to rent a uhaul, I recruited helpers. Young college kids that were friends of a former student. They were not very helpful. Broke stuff, moved slow, took 5 million breaks to talk on the phone etc. I had to do most of the heavy lifting by myself plus keep an eye on my small child. Whew, I’m tired just thinking about that day. Finally we were done, truck returned, non-helpers left and I felt like our lives began. First couple of nights everything was everywhere before I could organize it all. We didn’t have a bed frame so the mattress and box spring were on the floor, curtains were nailed to wall to hang, tv was on the floor, no cable or internet, we watched old VHS of Friends episodes or DVD’s of Little Bear and Curious George. I only had 1 small Ikea armchair and a stuffed tiger chair for toddlers. And that was it. That was our lives for a bit. 

I was on job #2 as I was fired from job #1 due to a flaky babysitter. Since I didn’t have time to figure out my babysitter situation before having to find another job, it became Wheel - of - Friends. Whoever could watch him, for however long,  in what location and when did you need to pass him off to the next. Work days gave me a headache trying to concentrate on learning and executing the tasks I was in charge of accomplishing and trying to discreetly text and call Wheel -of - Friends  to make sure the pass off happened and on time and messages were relayed if he had eaten, needed a diaper change, nap, had enough breast milk, etc. I worked at LaDuca Shoes, they provide character shoes for nearly EVERY Broadway, Musical Theater, Character show and movie around. It was a revolving door of performing artist everyday. Lots of whom I knew. So I was constantly reminded of just how far I had fallen from my life before the darkness. I felt like a loser. It was difficult to stomach. And difficult to not feel jealousy towards all my amazingly talented friends. They hadn’t chosen the darkness like I did. Who was I to be jealous? Eventually I had a more steady babysitter, one singular person, who came recommended from a friend of a friend.  She was great with him, teaching him things, and she had 2 cats that he loved to play with. But it didn't last long, she booked a gig and no longer had the availability. Her replacement wasn't cutting it for me. So I was back to Wheel- of - Friends. Some days it worked out. Others, his was strapped into his umbrella stroller and I had to work from the back room, where he couldn’t be seen. Thankfully my boss was understanding. I’ve always been a good employee, because I take pride in my work, no matter what it is. inconvenience of having to bring my 16 month old to work, and often, made my work ethic go above and beyond. I wanted it to be known that I’m a damn good worker, and sometimes my life is inconvenient, but I’m going to work 4xs a hard as anyone else so that in the grand scheme of things, my work production outweighs my inconveniences. At least when we got home all of that fell from my mind, as we breastfeed for a bit and then played with Thomas the Train. It was our bonding time, to talk (baby gibberish), get down on the floor and play in between cooking dinner, have a dance party to clean up and get ready for a bath. They are really great, fond memories. They help suppress the memories of things not really evening out. Work job to pay the bills, pay babysitter so that you can work the job to pay the bills, but you don’t make enough to pay the babysitter and bills on time and in full. So who gets your money? I was always short/late on a bill. So I gave Public Assistance another try. It was a Merry-go-round that was going just fast enough to make you feel sick after 2 rotations and catapult you off when you tried to exit. It never stops. There was no getting off the ride easily. My first appointment with our new address and my new job went completely left when I was expecting right.